Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Let's not dwell on maybe, baby.

As some of you may recall, MrB's gran was hospitalized last week. She passed away on Friday 18 July. MrB's mom was with her when she passed.

Now the family will come together to say a final farewell. This means that MrB's cousin will be in town too. We haven't seen cousin K since before her wedding in May last year. This means we'll be meeting her little 3 month baby too.

Now why am I not writing a lovely tribute to MrB's gran and instead focusing on the baby?

The lovely tribute will come if it's the right thing to do on this blog.

If you are any good at maths you would have picked up the reason. If not, I'll explain it to you.

Last year when the doctor confirmed the blood tests and confirmed the pregnancy for us B's, we heard that cousin K was also pregnant. The dates were exactly the same. I think our due date was out by a day or two. We were overjoyed and couldn't believe that two babies in the family would be coming along at the same time.

Fast forward to where we are now.

When I had the miscarriage last year, we decided not to tell people. The only ones who knew was the family and a few select friends who we were very close to. And of course my lovely blog readers. This means that MrB's aunt wasn't told and cousin K doesn't know.

When we heard that cousin K would be coming down for tomorrow's service, I realised MrB isn't completely over what happened. He told me that he is nervous to meet baby. To see what could have been ours.

Yes the baby we didn't have would be the age of the baby we will be meeting tonight. Maybe ours would also have been a boy. Maybe our baby would have been excited to interact with it's second cousin for the first time. Maybe maybe maybe.

I told MrB that we cannot dwell on this. We cannot see this baby as our "maybe baby". What happened to us happened for a reason. We were not meant to have a baby yet. We were not meant to be at the service tomorrow with two screaming 3 month old babies.

When we meet cousin K's baby, we need to do so with a clean, clear heart.

Perhaps meeting the baby and being around cousin K will be good for us. Maybe this is the end of the cycle that I felt was at work. Perhaps we will lay the demons of last year to rest?

As we lay one soul one rest tomorrow, it will incredible to celebrate the new soul in the family. Perhaps this even makes space for another new soul soon.

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Quit Smoking

MrB's gran was admitted to hospital yesterday to assist her in recovery after they discovered she was retaining water around her organs. Her lungs are also very weak, slowing down the oxygen supply to the heart, which in turn is slowing her heart down.

The reason for the lung problems? Smoking.

I used to smoke.
I smoked when I was stressed and I smoked when I was drinking. I was a social smoker.

I never smoked in the morning.
I never smoked in my house
I never smoked alone
I never woke up and smoked
I didn't always have cigarettes on me
I could easily go a week or two without smoking.

I was a social smoker. Right? WRONG! I was a SMOKER.

You're a smoker. No matter what pretty word you try to put in front of the word SMOKER, you're still a SMOKER!

I realised one day that I had to stop. It was time to quit.
Before this day I had never thought about quitting. I mean, I didn't smoke every day, I didn't need to quit.

Step one? admitting that I was a smoker.
Step two? realising I had to quit.

I went to MrB and I told him to pick a number. He chose 13. So on January 13 2012 we would officially stop smoking. I don't remember the last cigarette I had. I didn't make a big thing of it.

I woke up on 13 January and said "You don't smoke anymore".

I said no when it was offered. I stopped drinking for a while (that was a trigger point for me).

I started drinking again and wanted a cigarette but said NO!

One month passed, then two, then three. Somewhere along the line I did have a drag from a friend. I would have too much wine and have half a cigarette from a friend. But the less I smoked and the longer between each drag the easier it became to say no.

When the anaesthetist asked me last year if I smoked, I proudly declared "no" - what a great feeling!

I am no longer tempted. My friends smoke around me and I don't feel anything.

All I hope is that I woke up and came to my senses in time. I don't want to be in a hospital bed hoping I will be ok, regretting the cigarettes of my youth.

I am determined not to smoke again.
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Sunday, July 13, 2014

I don't have the answer and nor does Google

I have a question. I don't know the answer. MrB doesn't have the answer. No one I know does. Google cannot help. 

It's the most frustrating thing in the works, not having the answer. I take a guess and then I think I have but suddenly I find out it's not right.  

I just want to know!! 

I want to know if we will ever have a baby. Will I ever fall pregnant again? And if I do, will we have a baby? What is meant for us? A child, adoption, surrogacy or nothing? 

There is this deep dark fear within me that that horrible woman did something to me. That's why nothing has happened. Did she do something by accident that explains her distance from me? 

It's horrible. We're not thinking about it but it's all we think about. I'm calculating cycles and checking mucous, temperature and all that stuff. It's herb concoctions, special foods and other magical lucky tricks. It's prayers, hope and visualizations. It's a painfully long wait from week to week only to be disappointed by the obvious sign. 

We've tried reflexology and a few other alternatives but now it's time for medicine. Now we go to a doctor, prepare ourselves for tests. 

I know I never planned to be a mom, but now I want to be one. Is this punishment? I focus on not being stressed but this is all bubbling below the surface. I wonder if this is a sign that we're not ready - but will we ever be ready? 
My heart, my head, my being is not strong enough for this. I cannot keep crying and feeling like a failure. I just want to know if, when? Are we supposed to be parents? Will we ever be? 
I know my head is a mess and my heart burns. But I cannot get past this. 

I've read inspiring stories of ladies who almost gave up and then it all happened. But is that my destiny? Or am I part of the club who try for 7 or not years? Am I strong enough to do that? 

When will we have our answer? Are we asking the right question? 
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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Making Changes: Balance


Earlier this year I had a chat to someone about how much we put into things that don't matter. We spend all our time focusing on work, on sitting in traffic and little to no time on the things that make us happy. After this conversation, I was told that this person was in the process of making major life changes. Seeing them recently, I was reminded of our conversation and how important it is to find the balance in your life.

I set out this year with a clarity on what was important to me in my life. I have focused on finding balance in my own life. I can feel the difference - I am less stressed, I am happier overall and life just seems great - even when it's not.

My phone. I love my phone. It connects me to the world - I love to check my emails, read my Twitter feed, scroll through Instagram photos and catch up on Facebook. But I make a conscious decision to not access these over certain times. If MrB is watching one of his shows at night, I might listen to it and play a few games on my phone. But I avoid social media. Friday nights I don't go onto the channels at all. I may have my phone with me to take photos but that's it.

I don't always say yes. I'm learning to say no to people. Sometimes I want to be on my own, to do my own thing at my own pace. I say yes to the people and events that I want to go to. I'm no longer obliged to be everywhere with everyone all the time.

My body talks. And I am learning to listen. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. If I am hungry then I will have a healthy snack. If I my back hurts while working out, I stop. I sleep when I am tired and I move when I have energy.

It's ok to be spoilt. I'm saying yes to the nice things. I will have a glass of wine after a tough day. But I won't have the bottle. I will light my lovely candles but won't burn them to the end.

No longer apologising. I take photos. I take bad photos, I take fun photos. I take photos of people when they don't want me to. I take photos and I share them and I am not sorry for it. It's me, it's who I am and I will do what I want to. (Of course, I will respect your privacy when sharing the photo, let's not be rude!)

Laugh! I am laughing more and finding moments to laugh. MrB and I sometimes stop to watch the cat and dog play. We tell each other silly stories and laugh so hard we cannot breathe. We make bad impressions of TV people and giggle until no sounds come out.

Getting out! I try to get out often. Not to a luxury 5 star place, just the park down the road or around the block. Fresh air, away from the couch, change of scenery. I leave work a little earlier and ignore the "urgents" to get out more.

Not everything is urgent. I look at my inbox and decide who needs a reply now, who needs one later and who can wait a day. Acknowledge the email and then get back to them the next day. It's ok. Just prioritise and give the person the attention. But no need to kill yourself for the other person who wouldn't do the same to you. I don't work for myself, I spend all day making someone else rich. I don't need to break my back for them.

Breathe. stop, breathe, look around.

How do you work towards balance?

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