Tuesday, October 22, 2013
There are moments in life
There are moments in life when you realise you will never be the same again. You see your husband in a different light. Moments when you know for certain what it is you want, what you no longer want. You look at your life and your dreams differently, with clarity. Moments when you learn more about yourself, your friends, your family and your colleagues.
I had a few moments recently.
I wanted to share my good news on the blog and this was the week I was planning on doing it. I was going to show you my "pregnancy progress", our weekly "bump updates".
We had planned exciting ways to tell parents, siblings and friends. We were pregnant!
We decided to start trying to conceive this year. We knew from the beginning of 2013 that this would be the year that we would committ to starting to try. In June, MrB and I decided that we would officially begin trying for real. I started taking folic acid and together we began adopting a few healthier habits.
We had just put together the "Before Baby List" when we realised that I was late.
I am never late.
When to pee on the old stick?
No idea babe, let's go buy 3 and see what happens
We also bought a cute bunny soft toy, for just in case
Two lines, every time.
Let's go get 2 more - so 5 in total to be sure
Same thing, more lines
Blood tests. Confirmed.
We are pregnant.
We did more blood tests
Pre-natal vitamin time.
No more drinking. Decaf only
Healthy diet time
Let's buy this shirt because when I have a belly it will hide it well at work.
When the baby is born we're going to do this
We must do this before 6 months
In Paris we'll be pregnant so no French wine.
I have this massive exciting secret that I just want to shout out to the world!
We could barely focus we were so excited.
I told my close friends who was the only one in the world who knew we were trying.
MrB told his assistant only because he needed to get away from work to come with me to the doctor for our first scan.
I told a friend at work so that someone knew why I was being a little strange.
I saw the little sac.
The doctor said she couldn't pick up anything else so we needed to do more blood tests.
Don't be alarmed, she said
Let's stay positive we said
More blood tests.
MrB took me to get croissants and salted caramel ice cream.
We decided to stay busy.
We went shopping for a new mirror for our bathroom
We decided to make a nice supper.
The weekend we told MrB's parents and my parents. Everyone was excited!!!!
Sunday morning we went to a brunch.
I started to bleed.
We left the brunch and went home, still hoping for the best. But reality was creeping up on us. Fast
I fell asleep. MrB sent a text to the doctor.
I woke up. More blood
Off to hospital.
After I had been examined and admitted the doctor replied to the text. The pregnancy had not progressed in the past 2 weeks. There was no point carrying on. It would be discontinued.
She came to speak to me and to discuss the options.
I opted to and evacuation procedure the next day.
We told the parents.
They told the siblings.
We had tequila.
We had whisky.
The next day we went to hospital and officially said good bye to the dreams and plans we had.
That's where I have been these past two weeks. I had a miscarriage.
We have been processing and dealing with what happened.
As I told a few people, suddenly it was revealed that so many women around me have had one. It's more common that I thought. 1 in every 5 pregnancies.
I decided that I wanted to share what had happened to us on the blog. With you. MrB said it was ok with him.
I am sad, not for the life we lost. In my mind there was no life as the cells had not formed into a fetus. There was no hearbeat. We lost gloop, we've decided. You can't mourn gloop.
I am sad for the hopes, the dreams, the plans we lost. For the life we were going to have. So much left undone. I am sad for the two people who are no longer having a baby in May 2014.
MrB stood by me every single moment. It was happening to my body but it was happening to both our hearts. He was there when I went to sleep, before I went into theatre. He was there when I woke up. Even when he was at work, he was always only ever a message away.
I watched my husband shake with tears and sadness. I saw the soft sensitive side. The man who wanted to be a father so bad, would have to wait a little longer.
Family supported us. Without pushing or forcing us to talk, they stood by us. Messages, care packages, support, love....
Friends who we told cried when they heard.
Everyone was sad for the two people who had lost something, even if it was only gloop.
MrB and I found comfort in knowing that G*d chooses life. He decides on life. And this gloop was not ready life. G*d took it away before it became a life that we could not bear losing.
Where are we now?
We're stronger. We're enjoying the things we couldn't for a while (red wine, sushi, seafood and mayo!!).
We're getting our bodies into a bit of a shape. Exercising, eating healthy.
We're spending time together, reconnecting. We're spending time with family and friends, keeping us strong.
We're discussing trying again. We're scared it will happen again and that we will have to go through this again. But we're still optimistic that our time will come.
I know now that I do want to be a mom. That I want to have a child. And I want the father to be MrB. I know that my husband will take care of me no matter what happens.
Physically I have recovered and the signs of pregnancy have disappeared. My body has accepted what happened. Emotionally I am a little behind my body. I have great days, good days and sad days. I was scared my history of depression would delay me but MrB has pulled me through. We talk about it. We are not hiding from our emotions. We cry, we laugh.
My hormones are still messing with me a little. But isn't that normal for all women?
Thank you for reading this. For listening to my story.
Thank you for the messages, the emails and the tweets. For silently showing your support and love from a distance. Not knowing what was going on, I realised how many friends I have in the blogging world.
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